


Cogitate - The Restless Gun

by cutsycat



Series: Dictionary.Com Word of the Day Drabbles [1117]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 21:35:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15671757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutsycat/pseuds/cutsycat
Summary: After Kate's death, mandatory counseling with Rachel Cranston was required by Director Shepard for the whole team. Surprising himself, Tony struck up a friendship with Rachel. So it was only natural that he would turn to her when his conflicted feelings for Gibbs would soon interfere with his undercover op to seduce Jeanne Benoit. What decision would Tony make? How would this change the outcome of the undercover op? What did Tony find in Mexico when he tracked Gibbs down that only made his conflicted feelings worse?





	Cogitate - The Restless Gun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots) in the [NCIS_Prompts_2017](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/NCIS_Prompts_2017) collection. 



> Another dictionary.com word of the day drabble. This time from 05/22/2002 for the word [cogitate](http://www.dictionary.com/wordoftheday/2002/05/22/cogitate).
> 
> cogitate  
> To think deeply or intently; to ponder; to meditate.  
> To think about; to ponder on; to meditate upon; to plan or plot.
> 
> This was requested by Red_Pink_Dots as part of my 2017 prompt challenge. She provided some amazing artwork as usual to trick my muse into writing something a little longer.
> 
> I only have 1 more 2017 prompts left to post. Want to get in on the action? You can prompt me in 2018 [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/cutsycat_NCIS_Prompts_2018/profile) by clicking the sign up link.
> 
> **Prompt:**
> 
> Prompt from an artwork I made especially for cutsycat.
> 
> https://i.imgur.com/obRFBGh.png
> 
> Title : The Restless Gun
> 
> Could be a Tibbs story or Anthony DiNozzo & LJ Gibbs, author's choice.
> 
> **End Prompt**
> 
> Note: There are spoilers for many seasons here as I've taken bits and pieces of different canon seasons and woven it into this story despite the main focus of the story being on the hiatus episodes.

# 

Cogitate - The Restless Gun

“He’s not here.” Tony informed Abby, who was on the other end of his cellphone, staring around at Gibbs’ empty house.

Tony closed his eyes as the memory of going to Gibbs’ house after work that day overwhelmed him. He had to take a minute to process his feelings before he could continue explaining what had happened to his therapist. Well, really she was more than a therapist.

After Kate died, Director Shepard had forced the whole team into mandatory counseling sessions with Kate’s sister, Rachel Cranston. The sessions had helped both Tony and Rachel heal and they had gotten closer as a result. Tony considered Rachel a friend now. 

He related the scene where Gibbs handed him his badge and gun. He then launched into the tale of talking with Abby in her lab about what had happened and how Abby had suggested that he go talk to Gibbs and try to talk him out of it.

He rubbed a hand over his face not wanting to get into how Abby had made him feel. Right now, he was trying to figure out his feelings for Gibbs and deal with them before they adversely affected the undercover op he was working on. He stopped talking after telling Rachel about letting Abby know that Gibbs wasn’t at the house.

“Uh huh. What happened next?” Rachel prompted. 

“I looked around his house for clues. It wasn’t like him to not be at his house when we weren’t working a case.”

“And what did you feel?”

“Worry. Fear. Anger. He has all these rules and he broke them.”

Rachel nodded in understanding. “Did you feel betrayed?”

“A little bit. I mean, he just said you’ll do, handed me his badge and took off. What happened to working as a team and not screwing over your partner?”

“Were you in a relationship with Agent Gibbs?” Rachel prodded.

“What? No, No.” Tony repeated a bit more forcefully. “We were work partners.” Tony protested before muttering, barely audible, “I wish we were more.”

Rachel nodded again, jotting down a note in her notebook. “What did you do next?”

“I picked up his red hoodie and brought it to my nose and took a deep breath. To me, the red hoodie meant that he wasn’t gone for good.” Tony paused, remember how he’d lost time just smelling Gibbs’ red hoodie and breathing in Gibbs’ scent. He didn’t tell Rachel, but he had spent hours sitting there with Gibbs’ red hoodie and cogitating. 

Rachel continued to write notes in her notebook as she waited for Tony to continue the story. She knew that it was best to let her patients tell the story on their own time with minimal prompting. She’d only prompted Tony initially to help get him started. Many patients found it easier to start with more of a conversation instead of just launching straight into the story, but now it was best to just let him talk.

“I don’t remember what I said, but Abby and I hung up on each other as she went to start tracking Gibbs electronically while I searched the house for any clues as to what had happened and where he might have gone.”

Tony continued, describing his thoughts at the time, “The place felt so empty. While there were still touches of Gibbs there, so much of his stuff was missing. I started to wonder if he really had left for good and would be asking Ducky or someone else to ship all his remaining possessions to him and put the house on sale soon.”

Rachel jotted down some questions to ask Tony later after he’d gotten the full story out. Questions like were you jealous of Ducky and Gibbs’ relationship and did you feel any despair going through the house. She continued to watch Tony’s body language and add more notes as she listened to the story.

“The more I investigated the house, the more convinced I was that Gibbs had left of his own free will. This was later confirmed when Abby found flights booked under Gibbs’ name to Mexico, Hawaii, and Colombia. Apparently, he didn’t want to be found immediately even though he really wasn’t hiding.”

Tony’s mind flashbacked to the confrontation between Ziva and him. Ziva had insisted that he wasn’t fit to be team leader and that she couldn’t trust him. She’d stormed out, threatening to find Gibbs on her own and bring him back. 

Glossing over that bit, Tony continued his exposition, “I knew Colonel Mann was in Hawaii, but I also knew that Gibbs would never voluntarily visit her there. I quickly ruled that out as his actual destination. I knew Franks was in Mexico and that Gibbs had always trusted Franks, so I had my suspicions that he was actually in Mexico. However, I couldn’t rule out Colombia easily and even though Gibbs had broken his own rules, I still followed them. In this case, the rule never assume applied and I had to investigate both locations at the same time.”

“I remembered Rose Tamayo and her son Tomas were from Columbia. It was possible that Gibbs had gone there for sentimental reasons. Rose was long dead as they’d found out when they ran into Tomas on a case. Or more accurately Tomas had brought the case to them.”

Tony paused to take a breath and a sip of water before he continued his session with Rachel. Well, if you could call it a session. They weren’t even at Rachel’s office, she’d come over to his apartment for a more personal session since Tony hadn’t been able to make it to her office that day.

Tony could remember it as if it were yesterday. After finding out everything he could from Gibbs’ house, he’d returned to the bullpen. They would need to do some investigative work into both Colombia and Mexico to identify for sure where Gibbs went. 

“I found Rose Tamayo’s old house,” Abby announced. 

“That’s great. Is Gibbs there?” 

“I can’t tell. I had a buddy of mine get me some satellite images of it. There’s definitely 2 heat signatures there, but no idea if one of them is Gibbs.”

“What about Mexico? Do we have anything on Franks, yet?”

“Franks is definitely in Mexico, but my sources can’t tell me if Gibbs is.”

“Get me a ticket to Mexico, Abby.” Tony hurried out of NCIS after giving that order.

“Why Mexico, Tony? Why not Colombia?” Abby called after him, before shouting, “Arg!” as he didn’t answer and she knew she wouldn’t get an answer until he returned.

Tony knew she wanted to know why, but he couldn’t explain it. He just knew in his gut that Gibbs was in Mexico. Though, it was partially that Franks was the only person that Tony could think of that Gibbs would be with, so the presence of two heat signatures made him think it was someone else at Rose’s house, not Gibbs.

He knew Abby hated to be ignored, but he needed to hurry. He didn’t know why. Just that something was telling him he needed to get to Mexico as soon as possible.

By the time he’d finished packing, Abby had come through with the plane ticket, though it took him most of the time in the security line to get her off the phone without answering her questions about why Mexico. He didn’t expect to find Gibbs and Franks being held at gunpoint by two people he didn’t know, when he finally arrived at Franks’ place after the harrowing journey of Mexican customs and taxi cabs. 

Needless to say he hadn’t known to be quiet and had announced his presence rather loudly, but neither Gibbs nor Franks were a slouch as far as special agents go. They took advantage of the Reynosas’ distractions with Tony to get the guns away from them and turn the tables on them. Tony blinked as he glanced between Gibbs and Franks and the two unknowns. 

“What exactly is going on here?” Tony demanded. 

“Nothing for you to worry about.” Franks grunted as he tied the frisky Paloma Reynosa up.

“Gibbs?”

“Leave it, DiNozzo. Why are you here?”

Gibbs shoved Alejandro over to Franks to tie up while he kept his gun trained on both of them. 

“You left.”

“I retired.”

“And were gone the same day.”

“So? What are you my keeper?”

“God damn it, Gibbs. I was worried about you.”

“Well as you can see, I’m fine, so you can leave now.”

“You’re not fine. You were just being held at gunpoint.”

“I can handle it, DiNozzo.”

“Clearly, you can’t. You left.”

“DiNozzo, this isn’t your problem. Leave it.”

Tony stared between Gibbs and Franks, still not sure what was going on. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on.” Tony crossed his arms in defiance.

Franks rolled his eyes and lifted the two leaders of the Reynosa Cartel onto the horses that had been behind Gibbs and him. He led the horses and drug runners off while Gibbs sorted out whatever was going on between him and DiNozzo. 

“It’s better if you don’t know anything about what happened, here.”

“I’m not a child, Gibbs. It’s not your job to keep me safe.”

“I never could keep you safe.” Gibbs whispered softly, almost brokenly to Tony’s ears.

“Just tell me.” Responding to Gibbs despair, Tony dropped his voice, whispering, almost pleading with his tone.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

Gibbs glared.

Tony challenged him right back, matching Gibbs glare for glare and not backing down in the slightest. Tony didn’t know how long they stayed there staring at each other, but Gibbs finally heaved a heavy sigh. “Let’s go inside.”

Tony followed Gibbs into Franks’ bungalow. He had no idea what was about to happen. Was Gibbs actually going to open up or did he just want to hide the shouting that was sure to follow whatever this was. 

Tony never expected Gibbs to turn to him and say, “I made a mistake many years ago. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but now I realize it was a mistake.”

Tony sat down, hard. This wasn’t the Gibbs he knew. He’d never known Gibbs to admit to a mistake unless it was some story Ducky was telling about their early years or about his ex-wives.

Gibbs launched into a whole tale about coming home from war to find his wife and daughter dead, desperation for revenge, for life to have some meaning, and finally killing Pedro Hernandez in cold blood. Gibbs then proceeded to explain to Tony that Paloma and Alejandro were Pedro’s kids and had come after him for the same reason he’d gone after Pedro basically. It had opened his eyes to the fact that while killing his wife’s murderer had seemed like a necessity, doing it out of revenge had been a bad idea in the long run.

Tony hadn’t known what to say. He still didn’t know what to say to Gibbs, in fact. That’s part of why he’d asked Rachel to come over tonight.

Gibbs had apologized after the whole spiel and ended by telling Tony that he couldn’t come back, now, because he needed to think and figure things out. Tony had told him he’d understood and he’d caught a flight back to DC, but Tony didn’t understand. How was living with Franks in the middle of nowhere Mexico, better than being back here with his family who loved him?

Tony looked bleakly at Rachel as he returned to the present. “Help me understand, Rachel.”

“Everyone handles grief differently, Tony. Didn’t you tell me that Gibbs had just been in an explosion recently that caused him to think that his wife and daughter had just died?”

“Yeah? So?”

“If he never properly dealt with that pain, this would have reopened old wounds. I’m sure he just needs time and space to come to terms with what happened to him and what his revenge caused. Have you ever told Gibbs you love him?”

“Of course not. I’m not a fool. Gibbs is a man of action not of words, anyway.”

Rachel smiled gently, the kind of smile that told you that you were being foolish without her having to actually say the words. “You didn’t ask me here to help you understand Gibbs’ feelings, Tony. You asked me here to help you understand your feelings. You don’t need help understanding your feelings, though. You know exactly what they are. What you do need to do, is tell him. That’s the only way you’ll find out if they’re returned.”

“Are you kidding? Tell Gibbs, the straightest man in existence, that I’m in love with him?”

“Maybe, he’s not as straight as you think.”

“Is that the psychologist speaking or are you just offering me false hope?”

“Let’s just call it women’s intuition.” Rachel smiled at Tony again, gathering her things and turning to leave. 

Tony followed her to the door where he held out his hand to shake. “Thanks, Rachel. It helped, even if it did leave me with some more questions to answer.”

“Anytime, Tony,” Rachel waved as she left, calling over her shoulder, “ and Tony you can still visit Gibbs as a friend.”

Tony swallowed hard as he watched her walk out the door. He knew now that his feelings of betrayal, hope, love, and everything else were normal. However, the hardest question to answer, the one that brought him the most fear still lay in front of him to resolve. 

He thought about Rachel’s parting shot, about visiting Gibbs again, this time as a scheduled visit from a friend as the weeks went on without Gibbs' return. Ziva had found Gibbs. He knew she had by the coy little smirk that crossed her face the next time he saw her. 

He also knew that Gibbs hadn’t been willing to return when she asked him, either. In fact, he’d suggested that Tony was more than capable of helping her prove her innocence of the murder charges she was facing. That was actually the only reason that Ziva had shown her face to him again. 

She wondered if Gibbs was right. Tony could tell that she wasn’t happy about having to seek him out. However, despite their past differences, Tony would never leave a teammate out in the cold. 

Clearing Ziva of murder while still continuing an undercover op to seduce Jeanne Benoit, left Tony too little time and at the same time too much time to cogitate on his feelings for Gibbs. He hadn’t been excited about the undercover op from the beginning, especially once he’d realized that Jeanne was an innocent and knew nothing about Rene Benoit’s dealings. He was struggling even more with the op, now, as it had gotten to the point where he had to put out with Jeanne or call the whole thing off.

Jeanne was starting to get suspicious about why they hadn’t had sex, yet. Jenny was on his case demanding to know what was wrong and why he hadn’t followed through. That’s when he saw that this case meant more to her than it should. 

He demanded to know what her personal connection was to the case. When she wouldn’t tell him, he forced her to give him a week off to get things in order, so that he could follow through with Jeanne. Really, though, he called Gibbs and ask if he could come for a visit. Gibbs just grunted.

Tony took that as assent and prepared for the trip. He had no idea what he should bring, so he just shoved some clothes in a bag and headed for the airport. He couldn’t go through with things with Jeanne until he knew whether Gibbs returned his feelings. 

Jenny wouldn’t like it if he told her he couldn’t continue the op, but it was obvious that Jenny was overstepping her boundaries as Director. Tony knew that he could use that as leverage to get out of the op in multiple ways if need be. What Tony didn’t expect was for his being gone that week to make a difference to Jeanne.

He told her that he was going to visit a friend, that the trip had been planned many months in advance. She seemed to accept that and told him to keep his phone on him for calls. He suggested that he might not have signal and she shrugged and told him to keep in touch, somehow. 

He thought that was it and that he would be able to spend time with Gibbs in Mexico in peace. Or as much peace as was possible with Franks around. He’d taken to helping Gibbs around the house with his projects.

He hadn’t, yet, broached the subject of his feelings for Gibbs, but it felt like old times in the basement. Tony was beginning to feel more confident that Gibbs wouldn’t rip all ties if he confessed and Gibbs didn’t return his feelings. Of course, that was before the phone call that cleared him of having to worry about Gibbs vs Jeanne. 

The girl from the cantina had come to the house to inform them that Tony had a call. Tony had cringed as he hadn’t once called Jeanne and assumed it was from her. Gibbs, curious about why a phone call would bother Tony that much, followed him back to the cantina. 

It wasn’t Jeanne on the phone, though. It was Jenny. Apparently, Jeanne had been held hostage in the hospital morgue by a drug dealer and he’d ended up killing her.

Jenny was furious because now they had no way to get to La Grenouille. Tony wasn’t sure what Jenny thought he could have done and just listened to her go off without saying anything. Finally, Gibbs took the phone from Tony having pieced together enough of what was going on.

“Jenny, ” Gibbs interrupted, “ this wasn’t a sanctioned op and you know it. Cut your losses and move on. I’m not sure what makes this case so personal to you, but you need to get your head on straight before you break the law in a manner that forces SecNav to remove you from your position.”

Jenny sputtered, but Gibbs didn’t care and hung up the phone. “Come on, Tony.”

Tony followed after Gibbs. He wasn’t sure where they were going and didn’t really care. He was still reeling from the fact that Jeanne was dead.

He hadn’t fallen for her, but he knew he could have easily. On top of that, what had seemed so clear before, now left him confused. He didn’t have to tell Gibbs his feelings anymore, but should he?

Tony blinked in surprise when Gibbs stopped in front of a pair of horses. They were back at Franks’ bungalow and Tony had no idea how they’d gotten there. He was pretty sure these were Franks’ horses as well.

“You’ll take that one.” Gibbs pointed to a particular horse, “It’s the one Mike usually rides.”

Tony nodded. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere. Everywhere. You need something to get your mind off that phone call.”

Tony shrugged and saddled up. At first, they let the horses meander wherever their hearts desired so long as they stayed together, but soon Tony was wanting more action and he and Gibbs raced along the Mexican shoreline. They were both laughing as they came to a stop by the Marina. 

Gibbs tied up the horses and led Tony over to a boat. 

“Is this yours?”

Gibbs nodded. 

“She’s beautiful.”

“Thanks. I’m giving her to Franks when I leave.”

“You’re leaving?”

Gibbs shrugged. “It’s time.”

Tony stopped and stared at Gibbs, worried now. Was Gibbs going to vanish again? Was this his only chance to confess his feelings? 

Or was there no point to telling Gibbs because he was leaving anyway. “Where are you going? You’re not going to try to vanish on us again, are you?”

Gibbs shrugged again, “If I did, you’ll find me.”

Tony stared at Gibbs, wondering if Gibbs already knew about Tony’s feelings for him, “Yes, I would, but I’d rather not have to.”

Gibbs smiled. He wasn’t restless anymore. He’d fought the demons that had driven him to leave DC with a restless energy that had led to him always needing to have something to do even in beautiful Mexico. 

Franks and him had been a good match at the time. Despite having settled into life in Mexico, Gibbs knew that Frank was still restless. They’d made quite the pair, but it was time for Gibbs to go back to living his own life. “You won’t.”

“Good.” With Jeanne gone, telling Gibbs about his feelings wasn’t quite as pressing, but he’d been working up his courage ever since he got here. He couldn’t not go through with it. “However, I need to tell you something.”

“I already know, DiNozzo.”

“You know?” Tony stared at Gibbs, feeling a bit like Gibbs had taken the wind out of his sails and not at all sure that Gibbs really knew.

Gibbs shook his head, softly. Sometimes his soon to be lover needed reminding that Gibbs paid attention, “Of course, Tony. Why else would you come down to Mexico and not spend a single day on the beach or at the cantina flirting and hooking up with women?”

Tony was rather taken aback by that comment, “Oh,” he frowned subdued.

“Now, ask me,” Gibbs ordered.

Tony knew he could pretend not to know what Gibbs was talking about, but Gibbs had taken them all the way out here to show Tony that Gibbs was ready to come back with him. “Will you go out with me?” Tony asked, still afraid of the answer, but unwilling to live in uncertainty one moment longer.

“Of course, “ Gibbs agreed, pulling Tony in for a kiss.

The mustache rubbed against Tony’s skin roughly and as they broke apart, Tony grumbled, “I can’t wait to kiss you without the mustache.”

Gibbs laughed and kissed Tony again.

**Author's Note:**

> Woo! I finished today's story. So now I have 2 more days of stories after this one, but I'm running out of pre-written stories even if I get the next story written, so I need to get lots of stories written now. Wish me luck!
> 
> Only 1 more prompt left from my 2017 collection, so now's your chance to get prompts into my 2018 collection. Instructions are below, if you want to see me write something. I can't believe I'm finally finishing 2017 prompts. My goal is to finish all the prompts in my 2018 prompt collection by the end of 2019. Here's hoping I can accomplish this.
> 
> My 2018 Prompt collection is now open [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/cutsycat_NCIS_Prompts_2018/profile). Just click the sign up link. ;)
> 
> If you are not an ao3 member, you can prompt me [here](http://cutsycat.livejournal.com/50701.html). Please follow the same rules as are listed in the above link. However, because this is a handmade prompt form(that thinks it's a poll), it is considerably more limited than what ao3 provides, so please use the ao3 form if you're an ao3 member. Please note the name option is for a name that I can say this is for so that you know it's for you. Since this is for non ao3 members it won't be true gifts, but you will be mentioned in the notes.
> 
> For any authors that want to chat and/or are looking for a place where they can toss plot ideas around and get input from people, you can come join my discord server that is specifically geared towards writing/encouraging people to write and authors. The invite link is [here](https://discord.gg/HFvwpCq). If you're not an author, but want to chat with me about writing/stories or anything else you are welcome to join. I reserve the right to boot you from my server if all you do is pester me about updates, however. *grin* Really anyone who wants to talk about writing and/or plot ideas for various stories is welcome to join. 
> 
> I've started a new [poll](https://cutsycat.livejournal.com/55450.html) regarding my series and which ones people most want to see continued in place of the Rapprochement series which I have brought to an end for now... 
> 
> Note: The Bishop Entanglement, Crazy Cat Tale, and Pregnant FBI Agent series will be continued no matter what, so you don't need to vote for those. For those who don't have livejournals just leave a comment with your responses. Thanks!
> 
> Also, I'm looking for some writing buddies. Full details are [here](https://cutsycat.livejournal.com/53610.html). It is friends locked, so you'll have to add me as a friend on lj before you can read it.
> 
> Also, Drakonyashka has translated a couple of my works into Russian. [Tutelage](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12378780) and [Imbue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12378840). Go support them. 


End file.
